Relationships

Thanks to the Internet, we are now able to find, meet, and test drive new romantic partners faster than ever before, many times without leaving our current—no longer satisfying—relationships. Who in our generation hasn’t been guilty of shopping for partners on the Internet after a fight with their mate? Who among us hasn’t been on the receiving end of this duplicity? I would hazard that very few could answer in the negative.

I am not against Internet dating. It is, in fact, how I met my husband. It allowed two people from very disparate backgrounds to meet—which in all likelihood would not have happened otherwise—and eventually fall in love. There is probably no person in the world better suited to me, and I would not have met him without the Internet. That said, the Internet was also a constant source of problems: each time we had a fight or broke up, we both knew exactly how many other candidates there were to fill the void. At best, it is a double-edged sword.

Just as the pace of what I call the Covet/Reject Syndrome keeps speeding up, so too does the world of artificial introductions. Not long after Internet dating started to become socially acceptable, Speed Dating came along to hurry the process along even further. Now groups of men and women can meet at a specified location and determine within five minutes or less if a person has the potential to replace their current or past mate. Like Internet dating, speed dating has its success stories.

What concerns me is the underlying symptom of which it is a manifestation: rather than working through our relationship problems, we focus on replacing our mates.

One of my favorite speakers is Ellen Kreidman, author of the Light His Fire, Light Her Fire series. Ellen speaks frankly about this tendency of human nature: We each have ten good qualities and ten bad qualities (ten being a randomly selected number to make a point). If you replace your mate with someone new, this is going to be true of the new person as well. They are going to have qualities that attract you in the beginning, but they will also have qualities that annoy you. Many times, it’s those same qualities that attracted you in the beginning that you will later find annoying. The man you saw as vivacious and the life of the party will later be seen as self-centered. The woman you saw as nurturing will eventually be seen as stifling. The man you saw as charmingly protective will soon be viewed as possessive. Yet we are quick to replace our current mate and their set of flaws with a brand new person and a brand new set, to be discovered later. After all, we are secure in the knowledge that divorce is quick and finding a new soul mate can take as little as five minutes.

Spirituality

Many in our generation try on religions like we try on new shoes. Every so often a new concept comes along that captures our attention, if only for a little while. Sometimes, it’s a very old or recycled idea. When Madonna appeared on stage toting a red ribbon on her wrist, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan soon followed suit, proclaiming the wisdom and insights they have gained from the ancient religion of Kabbalah. Unfortunately, the majority of the people following this fad will find that it, too, leaves a void at the core of their being. This is not a result of a fault in the belief system, but rather a reflection of the fact that the quick adoption of a new religion is an ineffective band-aid for an existential crisis.

New Age and mystical books account for an ever increasing share of the market. Alternative history is one popular category. These are books about secret societies, freemasons, and alternative religions. Steve Fisher, Vice President of ThorsonsElement U.S. said in Publishers Weekly, “One thing I've figured out is that it's not a big leap for a lot of the self help movement to go into religion and spirituality. People are trying to find new answers as they search for something bigger than themselves."

Dan Brown’s controversial bestseller The Da Vinci Code (recently a major motion picture with Tom Hanks) has amassed a following of its own—not just on the merits of being an incredibly well written work of fiction, but as a result of the goddess worship religion described therein. The market is now flooded with factual books on goddess worship and the duplicity of Christianity’s forefathers. Who wouldn’t want to believe in a religion that sees ritual human sex as the highest form of worship? This is especially true of those using sex as an escape or to mask their pain through forced intimacy. Our generation has developed a far more cavalier attitude towards sex. Just fifty years ago, our cultural mindset was totally different. Today, many in our generation give no thought to experimenting with bisexuality and other alternative lifestyles, not because that’s who we are, but precisely because we don’t know who we are.

The Da Vinci Code mentions several alternative history books as references. One of these, The Woman with the Alabaster Jar, published ten years previously, sold ten thousand copies in a seven month period in 2004 (after being rediscovered by readers of The Da Vinci Code). According to Ehud Sperling, president of Inner Traditions/Bear and Company, “What makes The Da Vinci Code exciting isn't the character development or even the setting, it's the whole mystery and magic around a reinterpretation of the Christian mythos. There's a real thirst and a hunger in our society today for a different story around Christianity." I believe this hunger is really the desire for an “Aha!” moment that will solve our internal problems.

Wicca is another extremely popular trend amongst seekers. Gene Brissie, Citadel Press’s Editor in Chief, was quoted in the same issue of Publishers Weekly. "We've all heard the expression: 'I'm spiritual, but not religious.' In another era, people attracted to Wicca might have gravitated toward a more traditional religion. In the early days of the Reformation, for instance, the new Protestants would pick and choose from a variety of emerging beliefs. To a degree, Wiccans today also pick and choose. Wicca is nonhierarchical. There is no Pope of Wicca. Wiccans are free to mix and match beliefs. It's a community that shares its beliefs through books." Wicca is therefore highly appealing to a generation of people who have made jumping from religion to religion a commonplace occurrence.

The sleeper hit What the BLEEP Do We Know!? offers a new mindset. “There is no God,” one speaker proclaims, “you are God.” While the point of this truly excellent movie is about letting go of old fashioned precepts about spirituality and religion, and finding yourself at one with the universe, it is easy to see how statements like those can leave a person who is in search of answers with far more questions instead. It is virtually impossible to see one’s interconnectedness with the universe if one has no sense of identity.

My concern is not Kabbalah or the myriad other choices, philosophies, and beliefs we are exploring. Exploring spirituality and new ideas is healthy and enlightening, and can actually be an important step toward getting to know oneself. My concern is the speed at which we proclaim to have adopted a whole new mindset, only to discard it when the hole we have inside fails to be filled by whichever trend we are currently following. This hole will never go away, unless and until we become whole. The only way to become whole is to know oneself.

Careers

The third way our generation is manifesting symptoms of malaise and dissatisfaction is with our jobs. Gone are the days of the gold watch for staying with one company until retirement. Today’s young professional faces a world in which downsizing and outsourcing have become the norm: manufacturing jobs are not the only ones that have left our borders. Pick up the phone to call customer support for virtually any product and you are as likely to be speaking to someone in India or the Philippines as you are to someone in Michigan. Not even our pension funds are safe, as demonstrated by recent corporate scandals.

America is the hardest working nation in the world. According to the International Labour Organization, Americans now work more hours than workers in any other industrialized country. In just twenty years Americans have added an hour and a half a week, or over a week of extra work a year. Despite this, a RoperASW study published in the May 2003 issue of Money magazine found that 57 percent of Americans surveyed would rather have more money than more free time, versus 27 percent who would prefer the opposite.

In light of the fact that job security is virtually nonexistent, and that job satisfaction is also rare, these survey results are surprising. Why do we want more money, at the cost of the free time to spend it? We are a TGIF society that chooses to condense our free time into two days. Could it be because we wouldn’t know what to do with ourselves if we had more time off? Walk into any major corporation on a weekend and you are likely to find young people working. They are not required to be there, they are “just catching up on a few things before Monday.” These are the very same people that if polled, will tell you they are unsatisfied with their jobs.

Many times we jump from company to company, thinking that we will find happiness in a different environment, but never questioning what it is that we actually do. Frankly, that is just too frightening a question for most of us. We look back at that fork in the road, many years ago, and think of all of the time invested in getting to where we are. How can I change anything now, we might ask. It’s too late. We have bills, mortgages, incredible amounts of debt from financing either our schooling or our consumption (or in many cases, both). We have relationships. We have fears. Our minds dismiss the notion of trying something radically difficult because it is just too hard.

Brian’s Story

Until the dot bomb hit in 2000, Brian had been working in a great series of IT jobs at various telecom companies. “I was making great money and had a good deal of job satisfaction. Then the dot com bubble burst and forced many of us to re-examine what we were doing careerwise.”

Since Brian had risen to the second highest rank in the nation on the amateur golf circuit, he decided to take the plunge and see if he could transform his passion into his livelihood. “I realized that I found much more satisfaction in golf than I found in an IT job. What became very apparent was that the moments of satisfaction in my job were infrequent—typically when I finished a project—which was only about twice a month.” On the other hand, Brian realized that even playing amateur golf, he always had a sense of direction and found some level of satisfaction, even on days that didn’t go perfectly. “It was a very clear process for me—something that kept me involved mentally and physically. I definitely did not have this in my IT job despite the feeling of satisfaction with my earlier career.”

Brian volunteered for a layoff in August of 2001. “I was getting ready for the US Amateur at East Lake GC and the ship was sinking at Winstar Communications. Immediately after I volunteered for the layoff, I knew I’d made the right choice.”

Brian used the funds from his layoff to finance his first year in the amateur circuit. He learned some valuable lessons during this time. “First, there are people who really care about me and the dream that I’m chasing. They’re willing to help me if I simply ask. Second, I’ve realized that we live to our means. I’m no less materially satisfied now than when I was making $80K a year in my IT job. I’m perhaps more satisfied because I’ve realized that certain material things aren’t that important.” A good example is Brian’s shift in attitude towards personal transportation. “I used to covet the new cars with the new gadgets. Now I look at it as solely a method of transportation—if it runs effectively and totes my gear around, it’s good enough for me.”

When asked what activities he engaged in on his journey, such as journal writing or meditation, Brian replied, “I just played golf. Golf is its own journey of self discovery. The deeper you get into the process, the more you see it as a mental exercise. It’s belief in yourself and the process that yields results.” According to Brian, the process of improvement is as important as winning. “This is a difficult process to express, something I’ve come to know intuitively over the last few years. I believe it’s a core principle for anyone trying to improve his life. For example, if your goal is to land that CEO position, you have to really want it. But the most effective way to get there is to focus on the process of improving yourself for that job instead of just trying to get it.”

When asked if he’s ever regretted his decision or had moments of doubt, Brian responds that even today, this is a periodic challenge. “I deal with percentages of failure where winning one or two tournaments per year is considered success—and you may not even be 100 percent satisfied with your performance when you do win. There are many down times when you know how comparatively easy it would be to slug through a nine to five day and take home a weekly paycheck.”

That said, there is no question in Brian’s mind that his life is better now than before his journey. “I understand the simplicity of life and the importance of the people in it. I’ve learned that the materialistic, market driven society is a trap that we’re all being pushed into.” Although Brian’s career ultimately depends on successful marketing, he can’t help but wonder if marketing will be the downfall of western civilization.

Brian believes that the most important lesson he’s learned from unplugging is the importance of having balance in life. “I play the best golf when my play, practice, and time off are balanced. When I practice, the more focused and goal driven I can become, the more satisfying my practice sessions.” Brian has learned how to compact very effective practice into time slots that most recreational golfers find very surprising. “This allows me to achieve a balance between work, relationships, and personal time that is very satisfying. The better my balance, the happier I am in life.” To follow Brian’s burgeoning new career, visit his website (listed under Resources).

It’s too hard to change careers; it’s simpler just to change companies. It’s too hard to make a struggling relationship work; it’s easier to find a new mate. It’s too hard to self examine and develop one’s own spiritual beliefs; it’s simpler to follow the latest fads. We are breeding a generation of contradictions: we have virtually limitless choices, but no one to tell us which ones to make.

Rob Thomas, the multitalented lead singer and songwriter for Matchbox Twenty, sings what could be dubbed the Generation X anthem in Something to Be, from his solo debut album:

I don’t really want to be me no more
I need you to tell me what to stand for
I’ve been looking for something
Something I’ve never seen
We’re all looking for something
Something to be

The answer, of course, is that it is not up to anyone else to tell us what to be. The answer involves finding this out for ourselves, which is nearly impossible to do with the frenetic pace we have set for ourselves. One of the greatest ironies of our work ethic and culture is that we work so hard to be able to afford a nice place to live, nice furniture, neat gadgets, and expensive home entertainment and exercise equipment, and then watch it collect dust as we spend more and more time at work in an effort to afford more things that we won’t have the time to use or enjoy!

This is not to say that some people do not derive immense satisfaction from their jobs. But chances are, they are not the ones reading this book. This book is for those among us who have tried to lose ourselves in our work, in our relationships, or in radical new philosophies. And we’ve succeeded—in losing ourselves, that is. This book will show you how to take time out to do just the opposite—get to know yourself!

Small Steps to Freedom—Writing Exercise

On a scale of one to ten, with five excluded, rate your current level of satisfaction with your job, your relationships, and your spiritual awareness.

Now think back to a time when anything was possible for you. Does your current reality match up with that vision? Which of the above categories requires the most changes to meet that vision? What kind of changes would be necessary, and why haven’t they taken place?